


Episodes Part I

by Holtzmann1998



Series: Being Kates Girlfriend [9]
Category: Kate McKinnon-Fandom
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-08
Updated: 2017-01-08
Packaged: 2018-09-15 16:35:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9244763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Holtzmann1998/pseuds/Holtzmann1998
Summary: With anxiety comes anxiety attacks.





	

“Sensory issues?” Kates repeats your words, unsure of what to think of them.  
“Yes, Kate.” You smile at her. It’s small and forced. You’re terrified. This is harder than the time you had to explain to her that you’re allergic to strawberries when she made you a strawberry cake for your birthday. Leslie didn’t mind, she enjoyed the cake.  
“What does that mean? I mean to what-“ You interrupt her.  
“Basically, I can’t stand some sounds or pitches, certain volumes, certain voices, textures, scents, that kind of thing.” You look into her eyes, waiting to see if you’ve run off yet another girlfriend with your stupid issues. “Sometimes, loud noises and high pitches are hard for me to handle, that’s why I always have my laptop at such a low volume. Some textures bother me, that’s why I don’t handle Nino’s dry food often.”  
“So you don’t like loud noises or high pitched noises or screeching and stuff like that?” She asks. You nod your head. “But I basically just described Leslie and myself.” She looks at you, frustrated.  
“No, I don’t mean it like that, I mean-“  
“I get it, you don’t like the sound of my voice or the way I smell!” She yells. You flinch at the loud noise. You hated it when she yelled, not just because it hurt your head and ears, but because it meant Kate was mad at you. She looks at you with hurt eyes.  
“It’s not like that, not at all.” You try to explain, your brow furrowing as your try to come up with the right words.  
“Whatever, just be ready for the party. Leslie will be here to pick us up soon.” She storms off.  
“That could have gone a hundred times better.” You whisper to yourself. You feel the happiness drain from the room and from your chest. You had hoped Kate would be able to grasp the concept of it better so you wouldn’t have to go to the Halloween party. Leslie told you guys that there’d be terror and jump scares and horror movies and music. Kate heard fun, you heard a nightmare. You quietly walk to your room where Kate is getting ready. She glares at you through her mirror as you go through your dresser. “We can wear costumes, right?” You ask quietly, avoiding Kate’s eyes.  
“Yes.” She said shortly and angrily. You take a pair of blue denim coveralls out of your dresser. You’ll be Michel Myers. You put on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt before stepping into the coveralls. You shake with anxiety and cold. You grab the mask off the top of your dresser and go to get your boots.  
“Hey, Kate.” You say meekly.  
“What?” She glares again. The color of her blue eyes are popping against her backless golden dress.  
“You look really pretty.” You say before walking out and before she can reply. As you pull on your boots, you hear someone yell at the door.  
“Y’all better open up before I knock the door down!” You flinch at Leslie’s yelling and the loud banging she’s doing on the door.  
“Hey, Leslie.” You smile at her as you rush to open the door.  
“Hey, you two!” She grins. You are confused until you turn around to see Kate right behind you. You jump in surprise.  
“We’re ready to go.” Kate smiles happily to Leslie.  
“I just have to get-“  
“We don’t want to be late.” Kate cuts you off as she drags you out of the house. You had planned on grabbing the stress ball you always kept in your pocket. It helped you handle everyday situations. Without it, there was no way you’d survive the party.  
“Everything okay?” Leslie asks as you all head out to the car. Kate goes up front next to Leslie and you sit in the back, by yourself.  
“Everything is fine.” Kate mumbled.  
“Did you bake another strawberry thing? She already told you that strawberries will kill her.” Leslie rolled her eyes.  
“She thinks we’re annoying.” Kate said sharply. Leslie looked at you through her rearview mirror.  
“We’re annoying?” She asked, not believing Kate.  
“That’s not what I said.” You mumble as you put the mask on your face. You hate the smell of the cheap rubber and the texture of the cheap paint causes you to rub your hands along your coveralls. Your leg bounces in anxiety. “Here we go.” You think to yourself, knowing that the uncontrollable leg bouncing was the first sign of trouble. You clench and unclench your fist, trying to imitate the motions of your stress ball. Kate and Leslie were no longer paying attention to you, instead they were talking about the party. You felt your face get hot. You started to gag. You kept your mouth closed as you pressed your hands tightly to your mouth. You hadn’t eaten anything today, so you didn’t think you’d throw up, but you wanted to make sure. It was a short drive to the party.  
“Hey, baby doll, you okay?” Leslie asks you a few minutes later as she pulls into a parking space. By now your breathing heavily and your heart feels like it’s going to beat out of your chest. Your whole body is shaking uncontrollably. Your face feels like fire and the acid in your stomach feels like it’s about to come out any moment. You glance up to see both Leslie and Kate looking at you, Leslie is showing more concern than Kate.  
“Y-yeah, I’m good. I’m just cold.” You say. Talking feels difficult, you all unbuckle your seatbelts and step out of the car. You feel your legs start to give out and stumble, Leslie grabs you instantly.  
“I don’t think you’re okay.” She whispers to you. Kate isn’t even paying attention, she’s running toward the party.  
“I’ll be fine.” You say, forcing back tears as you force yourself to stand on your own. “I’m fine.” Leslie looks at you.  
“What happened to that ball you carry?” She asks. She already knew of your anxiety, but Kate was unaware.  
“I didn’t have time to grab it. Kate and I got in a fight, I tired telling her about the sensory stuff and it didn’t go well.” You sigh.  
“That explains a lot.” She mumbles. “I can take you home and you can get it.” She offers.  
“No, it’ll be fine. Let’s go have fun.” You say, trying to compose yourself. You took the mask off your face to feel the cold air.  
“You don’t look good. You like you’re about to pass out, or puke. You still get those episodes a lot?”  
“It’s fine.” You sigh. You put the mask on your face and walk towards the door of the party. You pause as you reach it. You can hear the loud music through the thick door. Leslie opens the door and you flinch and jerk your head at the loud noise.  
“If you want to leave, just come find me and I’ll take you home. It’s no big deal.” Leslie says to you. You nod and walk in the party. It’s way too loud. The strobe lights shining and blinking make your head hurt and the banging of the base in the music makes you feel sick. There are way too many people, you can’t see Kate or Leslie anymore, they disappeared into the crowd. You feel panic rise in your stomach and you instantly head towards the bathroom a few feet away from you.  
“I heard Kate and her girlfriend got in a fight.” You hear a girl gossip to another girl as you rush into the bathroom and a stall.  
“I wouldn’t be surprised, that girl is too weird for Kate.” The other girl says. You rip the mask off your face and try to take quiet, deep breaths. You listen for the girls to leave. When they do, you throw up. You lean against the door and hear someone else walk in.  
“I just don’t know, Les.” It’s Kate. “I mean I don’t get it.”  
“She can’t help it.” You hear Leslie. “I don’t think she wanted to even come to the party. I’ve known her a while and stuff like this isn’t her thing. When she was a kid, just the thought of school was enough to make her physically sick. If it’s bad enough, she’ll pass out.”  
“So, she wasn’t just trying to get out of something?” Kate sights. You can tell she feels bad.  
“That girl loves you, Kate. She wouldn’t lie about something like that. I’m surprised she told you so soon, she’s lost a lot of people just from telling them that about herself.”  
“I just blew her off and acted like a bitch.” You stay quiet, waiting to hear what’ll happen.  
“I’m going to go find her.” Kate says. You hear the sounds of her and Leslie’s shoes on the floor and the door opening and closing behind them. You’re alone in the bathroom now. You take another deep breath, flush the toilet, and splash cold water on your face. The cold water is the best feeling on your hot face. You put the mask back on and walk into the noise and people and lights. They’ve turned on a black light now and everything is a color it’s not supposed to be. You’ll never find Kate in this mess. You begin in wander around.  
“Hey, Myers!” A man calls to you. You walk over to him. “Have a drink with us!” He shoves a shot into your hand. You shake your head and set it down. You never drank before and you knew now would be a horrible time to start. “Come on, just one!” He’s obviously drunk. You shake your head again and turn to walk away. You’re met with a man dressed like Freddy Kruger only inches from your face. He’s covered in fake blood. In that instant, you feel any strength you had leave you.  
“Hey, you okay?” He asks. You walk past him, trying to find Kate. As you look for her, you realize there are multiple rooms, each one full of people and black lights or pure darkness. As you try to find Kate, strangers are touching you, posing to take a picture with you because they think you’re an actor. Your vision blurs as you go into total panic. You stand still, unmoving. You can’t move, you can’t make your legs go or your eyes focus or anything. You want to scream, you can’t hear yourself think over the music and each stranger that brushes by you takes you out of what little focus you had composed.  
“Leslie, where are you? Can you see me?” You look into the blurred crowd, praying Leslie is there or Kate is there to help.  
“Hey, come on, have a drink with us!” Someone says from behind you. They slap your back and you fall to the ground, hitting your head on something, but you’re not sure what. That’s the last thing you remember.  
“She’s waking up.” You hear someone say. It sounds like Leslie, but it can’t be Leslie. There is some kind of steady and annoying beeping. You force your eyes to open, only to have them burn at the bright lights. You close them again.  
“Do you know who you are?” Tim asks you. He’s an ER doctor you see often.  
“Tim,” You pause, noticing how painful your throat feels, it’s like you threw up pure acid and then drank some more potent acid with glass shards. “do me a favor and stop working in this ER. Every time something happens to me, you’re here. I think you’re bad luck.” You grumble. He laughs.  
“Come on, it’s protocol.” You know he’s smiling. You list off your name and birthdate and the year. “That wasn’t so hard, was it?” You glare at him, ignoring the burning in your eyes.  
“I’m so sorry!” Kate whimpers. You look to your side to see your girlfriend, still in her Halloween costume with her makeup running down her face. Leslie is next to her. She’s a lot calmer because she’s been through this with you before.  
“Have you been taking your medication?” Tim asks, ignoring her.  
“Yes, but that’s for anxiety.”  
“Sensory objects?” You don’t answer.  
“I told you we should have gone back to get it.” Leslie says.  
“That’s what you needed?” Kate asks. You can see guilt on her face.  
“It’s okay, Kate.” You smile at her. “Look, I’m okay. Everything is fine.” You say to her, trying to convince her you were fine despite being in the ER.  
“Do you remember what happened? Tell me everything you remember.” Tim said.  
“I was at the party and it was too much too fast.” I shrugged. “I started to lose focus and people kept trying to get me to drink and they kept touching me and then, like usual, I couldn’t move. I was just standing there, I couldn’t get my eyes to focus, I couldn’t breathe, then someone came up behind me and I fell and hit something and that’s all I remember.” You recalled calmly.  
“You hit some lady’s shoe. She was pretty freaked out, totally made her night until you started screaming.” Leslie laughed.  
“You were there?” You and Tim ask at the same time.  
“Yeah, I didn’t know where you were until people started freaking out and you were screaming.” She shrugged. She had already seen many of your episodes.  
“Y-you wouldn’t stop screaming.” Kate whimpered. She couldn’t forgive herself for what had happened.  
“What was she screaming?” Tim asked, now taking new notes.  
“Just screaming, no words or nothing, then she started screaming-“  
“For me.” Kate whispered, cutting Leslie off.  
“And you remember none of it?”  
“Do I ever?” You asked.  
“You kept screaming my name over and over and you kept screaming you were sorry and how it hurt and how you were going to die.” Tears started to fall from Kate’s face. You were silent. She stood up and sat on the bed, wrapping her arms around you, allowing her tears to fall. She was shaking with fear.  
“Hey, it’s not your fault.” You whisper to her as you hold her. She’s so small and soft. Your gently rub her back, allowing yourself to take in how smooth her skin feels in her backless dress.  
“I’m a horrible girlfriend.” She whispers.  
“No, Kate, look at me.” You say sternly. She looks at you with her beautiful blue eyes. They’re red from crying and she reminds you of a scared child. “Everything is okay. Sometimes, this happens. I promise you, I will be okay, I will always be okay.” She sniffles. “Just ask Leslie and Tim. Leslie has seen me have these episodes for years and Tim has been dealing with me after the episodes for years.” You look at them.  
“Yes, there are no issues. We’d like to keep you overnight, but it’s your choice.” Tim said. “As usual, just keep taking your medication, you’ll be sore for a few days, keep your sensory objects with you, and come back if something isn’t right.” Tim said casually.  
“I’m ready to go home.” You say. Tim nods and turns off the heart monitor. Kate is the one that flinches when it momentarily beeps a long beep.  
“He turned it off, I’m not dead.” You smile at her, not knowing the best way to handle this. She hugs you tighter. “Are you ready to go home?” You ask her. She nods.  
“Well, this was a fun night.” Leslie smiles.  
“Let’s never do that again. If you two want to go party, let Nino babysit me.” You say. Kate lets out a small laugh. “There’s a smile.” You say, making her laugh more. Her laugh is adorable and it’s like music to your ears. A feeling of calm rushes over you.  
“You can’t stay home alone with Nino, last time I let you do that, you ordered a pizza for the two of you.” She said through sniffles and hiccups.  
“He liked the anchovies.” You grinned. There was a moment of silence.  
“I’m going to go and get the car.” Leslie said as she walked out of the room.  
“Hey, Kate.” You say to her quietly. She looks at you. You could tell she was tired. “I’m sorry.”  
“For what?” She asks, confused.  
“For not explaining stuff well and making you mad and then everything that happened at the party. I’m not good at explaining stuff and when people get mad I just kinda shut down. I’m a horrible girlfriend with a lot of issues, it’s my fault all this stuff happened and we’re here.” You say quickly.  
“N-no, it’s my fault. I was too caught up in my own world and worrying about the party that I didn’t pay enough attention to what you were saying and I got frustrated because I didn’t understand what you were talking about.”  
“It’s not your fault, Kate.” You whisper to her.  
“How do you feel?” She asks.  
“Sore, but pretty good otherwise.” She smiles a weak smile. “I’m just fine as long as I have you by my side.” You smile to her. She lets go of you and gets off your chest, allowing you to fill your lungs with air. Even that hurts. You force yourself to not flinch. “Let’s go home.” You smile to her as you get up. You’re unsteady and stumble, Kate rushes to help you, worry consuming her face. She’s so small, you’re afraid you’re going to break or hurt her. She insists on you leaning on her until you get to the car. She sits in the back with you and falls asleep in your arms on the ride to the apartment.  
“Hey, you want some help?” Leslie asks as she pulls up to the tall building.  
“Nah, I got it.” You smile as you gently lift Kate in your arms. She feels extremely light in your sore arms as you walk inside the building.  
“Hey.” Kate smiles to you as you walk into the elevator with her in your arms still.  
“Hey.” You smile back.  
“Promise me something.”  
“What?”  
“Promise me you’ll always come back to me when you lose yourself like that.”  
“I don’t remember what I did, but whatever I did that scared you so much, I’m sorry.” You think to her. “I promise, I’ll always come back. You’ll have to use your proton pack to get rid of me when I die.” Kate laughs.  
“You’re such a fucking dork.”  
“But I’m your dork.” You smile.


End file.
